Desperation
by True Goddess
Summary: He was desperate for an escape anything to not feel the pain anymore, just to not feel. Then he was there, he was there with a warmth he craved for. He had a heat that he wanted, he had a warmth that he would beg for. If he wasn't so desperate for an escape he would have pushed him out, just like he did to everyone else. But for once, he gave in. ( Valdangelo fic)


**Disclaimer: I do not own Percy Jackson and the Olympians because if I did, Leo and Nico would be together. Sorry Calypso.**

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**Nico**

What have I just done? How could I have been so stupid, how did I think he would except me for what I am? That Jason Grace was wrong, I should have never told Percy. It was for the best that I kept it a secret, the burning in my eyes seeing him with Annabeth. The feeling of a knife being stabbed into the back of my throat when they kissed.

I would take it all again and again. Just to not see the horrified expression on his face when I kissed him. Why did I think it was a good time? How could I have been so stupid, I looked down at the sword. It beckoned me with its' sharp blade. The things I could do with that blade, I could finally end the suffering, I could end all of the pain.

But still something tied me to this cruel world, the boy with the raven black hair and sea green eyes. He will always have my heart, no matter how hard I tried to push it away. No matter how hard I tried to hate him, I loved him. From the very beginning I loved him, he brings out the parts of me I wish to keep hidden. The thoughts of Bianca, when I was the boy that people would have liked better.

When I was happy and oblivious to the cruel world around me, it was when I was the boy who fell for the hero. When I didn't fight the feelings inside me, when I showed my admiration for the boy who would save my sister. But he didn't, and I tried to hate him, I tried so hard to hate him. I wanted him to feel the pain he inflicted on me.

I wanted to hate him with every ounce of my being. But I couldn't, or my heart just wouldn't let me. I took my sword into my hands and stared at the black iron. I sighed and put it back into my sheath, I just couldn't do it. But I was so desperate, I was desperate for an escape. I needed to leave, I would jump of off the ship and swim, but my legs were glued to the deck. I just couldn't take the pain in my heart, I felt it shatter in my chest and I wish to just carve it out. I want nothing more than to not feel this pain, but to instead fill this horrible pain with something else.

Anything but watching my heart break in front of my eyes again and again. Every time I close my eyes I see his face, his mouth slack and his eyes widening in horror. I blink back the tears threatening to fall and hold onto the rail. I bury my face into my arms and fight back the sobs threatening to break out. I push away from the rail and walk to the wall using the shadows to blend in.

I sink down the wall and feel something pressing against my leg in my jean pocket. I pulled it out and saw it was a small dagger. I smiled and dragged it across my wrist, letting the crimson blood spill from my arms. I sighed at the pain, it was helping slowly but it worked. I continued to cut across my wrist and continued up my arms, the pain was intoxicating. I loved the feel of finally forgetting it, slowly I became numb to everything around me.

But it was too good to last, the numbness soon changed into a coldness. It was like the cold that I usually radiate, but instead it was filling my heart, filling my soul, it felt like I would never again feel warmth. I wanted nothing more than a warmth to fill this, I wanted something. Yet I couldn't tell what it was, I was so desperate to not feel and now here I am suffering once again. All because of that dammed boy and my mistakes, all because I couldn't be normal, I couldn't just like the opposite sex. Instead I had to fall in love with him, the boy that will always be out of my reach.

I shivered against the wall leaving my crimson colored wrist facing the sky. I was so numb, so cold, I had never felt so empty. I leaned back against the wall and closed my eyes, finally succumbing to the nightmare and I began watching it replay in my head again and again. I finally gave in and let the tears stream down my face.

"Nico." I heard a voice call out quietly in the dark. I hid myself in the shadows watching the person come closer. I was shocked by who it was, Leo Valdez. Of all people I didn't think it would be him, but now that he is here I am relieved. If I wasn't so desperate to feel the warmth that only Leo can hold, I would have pushed him away. Just as I do with everyone else, but right now I just couldn't. "I'm here." I replied quietly surprising myself from the weakness of my voice.

His head turned into the direction I was in, he sat down beside me his shoulder pressing against my own. I leaned into the warmth, but not enough to scare him away. I hadn't even realized how desperate I was for this warmth. "It's okay Nico, you do know that right?" Leo said after a few minutes of sitting in silence, I was shocked by his words. How could it be okay for me to be what I am, how can it be okay that I kissed him?

"It's not okay Leo, it never will be. How would you have felt if the love of your life would never love you, if you only bring chaos and hurt wherever you go? Imagine your only home being a place that people associate as hell. I'm pathetic, I rather live in Hell than with other demigods." Leo surprised me by not showing any sympathy for me, and I was thankful for that. I don't know what I would have done if he did. "You aren't pathetic, Percy isn't mad at you. In fact he's angry with himself, he feels horrible for making things so hard on you. He believes it's his fault you didn't stay at camp, Nico he's tearing himself apart."

I looked up at him surprised, of course Percy would. My hero would never abandon me, again and again he forgives me. For every awful thing, for all the hate that I showed him, he still cares enough about me. Yet I'm still angry, not at him, not at Jason. But at myself, I should have loved this, I should have relished in his pain. Causing him more hurt, more anguish until he felt what I did all these years.

But again, my heart got in the way of my mind. It wouldn't let me hurt him, it wouldn't let me feel anything but love for the raven haired boy. I want nothing more than to forget him, but he is always there. Whether I want him to be or not he is in the back of my mind. "He isn't tearing himself apart, I am. I want him to feel the pain that I felt, I want him to feel my rage. I want him to be hated as I was, I want to hate him with everything I have."

I screamed angrily balling my fist in rage, feeling myself slowly lose my control over these powers. "But I can't, I can't and I try so hard. But Leo, I love him, I love him so much it hurts." I said angrily, finally defeated by these emotions, I cried. For the first time in years I cried in front of someone, showing the weakness I try so hard to conceal. I felt the warmth of Leo's arm wrapping around my shoulder.

"I can never even imagine the pain that you are going through with Percy. But I do understand the things you have gone through. Never had a home I could call mine since my mother died, foster home to foster home. It was my fault she had died, I am the seventh wheel Nico. No matter if we defeated Gaea, I will always be the seventh wheel, and I see it now. I will never be the hero like Jason Grace or Percy Jackson, I can never be the brains like Annabeth, I will never be the passionate fighter like Piper. I am simply the repair man, the unneeded and defenseless mechanic. I am nothing Nico, at least you've realized where you belong. I feel like I'm not home even at camp, everyone has a home to go to. But Nico, I still failed to find mine."

I looked to him with understanding, finally another who knows how it feels. Another tortured soul doomed to have nothing but misery. How I wish things could have stayed the way they were, Bianca staying with me. If she didn't become a hunter, she would be with me today. I understand she wanted freedom, no longer being a mother for me. But she never understood how alone I was when she was gone.

"I'm sorry." I said sincerely, surprising myself as looked up at the older boy. He smiled sadly, you could see in his eyes that he was just as broken as I was. He just showed it in a different way, instead of being reserved and hiding the emotion, he rather make jokes to show a happiness that he doesn't even have. I didn't even realize how heavily I was leaning on Leo, shivering from my own coldness.

"You're so cold." He replied as my skin brushed against his. I smiled to myself, if he only he knew. "If only you knew how cold I feel." I said looking into his eyes, he moved closer to me and then pulled back. "Trust me I would give anything to not feel at all sometimes." I looked at him and placed my hand on his cheek, barely having control over my own body. He looked shocked but he didn't do anything to move away from me.

I leaned closer to him so desperate for the warmth radiating from his body. If I wasn't so desperate to feel this warmth, I would have ran away by now. But it wasn't only his warmth that beckoned me, it was something else. I put my other hand onto his cheek and pressed my cold lips against his warm ones, and I was afraid. Afraid that he would reject me, afraid that he would hurt me like Percy did. But he didn't, he held me to him and kissed me passionately.

I felt tears threatening to spill from my eyes, never had someone made me feel this way. Never had I felt so warm, and so loved. But it wouldn't last, I knew that it couldn't. He ran his fingers through my hair and moaned into my mouth.

I desperately wanted to feel him against me, feel the heat radiating between us. But I can't do this to him, I can't lead him on, I can't let him think that I can love him. Because I am no longer capable of such things, the warmth I feel is Leo's capability to love. I can't let him give me his heart, because I wouldn't know what to do with it.

We pulled away from each other breathing hard. "I'm sorry." I said getting up and walking away, leaving a stunned boy now unsure of himself. I stayed in my cabin on the ship, ready for our little celebration to be over. I didn't want to think about what happened, I didn't want to think of what I did to Percy. I want only to get off of this ship and return to the only place I could call home.

As we got off the boat I wouldn't dare to look at anyone. Hazel hugged me and said her goodbyes, Frank, Jason, and even Piper. Annabeth and Percy looked uncomfortable and I was fine with that. I was scarred by Percy and it was time that the scars of my life for him began to fade.

"I'm sorry." I said softly to Percy, he shook his head with that sympathetic look of his. "I wish I knew, I could have... I would have... I'm sorry Nico." I smiled and shook my head, "There was nothing you could do." I walked away from them and continued staring straight ahead, trying to forget the boys warm lips on mine. Trying to forget the fire he held within him, my feelings for Percy are beginning to heal. But my one's for Leo have only just begun. "You can stay!" I heard someone shout, I looked over my shoulder and saw Leo, his eyes pleading me.

But I couldn't possibly stay with him. "No I can't." I said coldly, before I began my travel back to the only place I would and forever will belong. The Underworld. Maybe one day I can return to Camp Half-Blood without the shame weighing heavy on me. Perhaps I could even be happy here, but that day has not come yet, and I doubt it ever will. But if it does, and if I truly do heal, I'm willing to do anything to be with Leo. No matter how long it takes.


End file.
